Just in case you've never seen me IRL...

Huuh okay...

I dunno where to start.

Ever feel so ... ehm-unpretty?

Hahaha i know, what a question right? 

From time to time i feel (and i am) so unpretty and ugly. I'm so skinny, dark tanned skin, big and uneven teeth, dark knee, no butt, mole in my upper lip... oh the lists are so endless!

I've never actually "care" about my appereance until ...well, one and two things happend and  i go to college too so it's hard not to compare myself with others.

Not to mention that i'm pretty sure I'm having a depression, so it is hard for me. Here in indonesia, i've been told not to see what other people have... in other word, i've been told my whole life that "you shouldn't feel bad, someone had it worse"  or "if i could survive THIS, you should be able to survive that"
In place where i live, something like depression is not a common thing, depression is not something that ppl actually feel and talk about it and surely it's hard to find an expert who could help which in this case is therapist or psychologist.

I dont know if this depression has something to do with my very-low self esteem, but yes i barely ever feel confident about myself. 

And what do i do then?

I edit most of my photos. Camera 360 is mostly a must. I know it's silly but it's just for my own pleasure so if it's edited i wouldnt post it in socmed or even if i post it, i would definitely add a caption that it's a work of 360 because i dont wanna let ppl have too much expectation to my appearance.

Duuuude, this pict is a crime! XDD

Yup that's me with the magic of 360 in the left and me in reality life. 

I dunno, this photo is so WRONG in so many aspect.

The skin tone is okay (by what i mean with "okay" is the skin tone is not have too much different) but the skin looks so fvcking smooth and flawless which is NOT IRL. And no eye bag.

Aaand i wore make up too.

Even if i put a bunch of make up, i wouldnt look like this so this is quiet annoying to see this picture.

The thing is, when i dont put a make up i feel ugly, and when i do i feel fake.

...

And still ugly.

I do some little researc (LoL, "research") about beauty standards all over the world and to surprise me, i look pretty okay in some part of earth somewhere.

Not "hurraaayyy" for that.

(This is not my picture by the way)

I have thigh gap.

I have hip bone (include the bikini bridge).

I have collar bone.

I have back dimple.

I dont have armpit fat and bat wing.

I dont have cankles

Do i feel pretty already?

No.

So finally i come to a conclusion where i dont actually wanna be pretty. At yhis point i dont wanna be adored by everyone, or even praised and called pretty with everyone. 

I just wanna be pretty for people around me. 

And they used to be not really understand what i mean by that.

I wanna be happy with my looks and my self.

I want those special people feel proud about me.

I wanna feel that i actually mean something to them.

And by this second i write this down, i haven't reach that point.

Yet