Fanfiction: Shiroi Uso Ano Shirakuen ni (A White Lie in That Paradise of Death)

Title                 : Shiroi Uso Ano Shirakuen ni (A White Lie in That Paradise of Death)

Disclaim          : kagrra and isshi belong to their fans

Summary         : the One who silently facing his end was crying in his laugh, do you know that when he laughed, he didn’t really laugh?  He is so beautiful, so pure, but also as weak as he could turn into ash if you hold it even softly...

Warning          : yaoi alert! Don’t like, don’t read.

Mood maker   : Isshi – Shirakuen
Kagrra – Bokyaku no hate no kogoeta kodoku
Kagrra – Shiki
Kagrra – Shiroi Uso
Kagrra – Sakura Zukiyo
Kagrra – Shizuku

this fic is dedicated to my beloved vocalist, isshi, and Kagrra. I made this to memorize a year of his passed away. For them who is looking for an emptiness. For them who is slepping  in  stillness.

 Every time i listen to kagrra’s songs or Isshi’s... i almost forget that the singer is already gone. It’s so hard for me to believe that there wouldn’t be other Kagrra no Su...

In memoriam, Isshi.

I stared at him who was staring onto the hot summer air outside the window. He spoke nothing since nurse went out from this room about ten minutes ago and i didn’t dare to break this silence. I kept watching to the man i loved more than i love myself or this world, i knew everything about him. And it had been 4 years since he married me but i wasn’t really sure he knew anything about me.

This painful pleasure.. Was I a masochist or something?

I stared at his pale skin, and suddenly it made me remember to the dry lilies beside his bed. It was from naoran, his Band-mate. And since those flowers were exactly next to him, it made me thinking that he was such like those lilies. He is so beautiful, so pure, but also as weak as he could turn into ash if you hold it even softly. I didn’t know what he was thinking about at that time since he still spoke nothing and so did I. That silence was lingered even until the last day i was with him.

I exhaled my breath and tried to stop staring at him, because it only made me sadder. He, the one who never thought about me, not even cared about me anymore and still stared outside the window. It made me pretty upset, actually. I knew the sky outside was so gorgeous, but could you please look at me once?!

Then, i didn’t know what to do. And if i thought about it, it had been a few days he acted like this. And because it was his last, i had no dared to disturb him. So i walked away from chair in front of his bed and took a walk to Hospital, even if i wouldn’t know where i wanted to go.

“Isshi-kun, i’m gonna walk for a while, okay?” i talked to the wall

“is there something you want? I’ll buy it for you...” again, i talked to the Chair, he said nothing and only drilled through his eyes and looked at me for a second. I didn’t get my answer so i thought i was a ‘no’

I walked out from the VIP room. And again, exhaled my breath. There was never even once come into my mind that it was a mistake to marry someone who didn’t love me. I always be thankful that even this love is only mine... he wanted spending his life with me. My feet kept bringing me to someplace that i didn’t know. 

It walked without any command from my brain. Atmosphere in that room was as gloomy as withered rose. And i was so glad i decided to go outside. Finally i found myself in the Hospital’s garden, and there was a bench under the big tree and i sat there. Thinking of nothing and just stared at people around there.

Suddenly i remember how i met him, i don’t know but that memory just came into my mind. It happened in summer i just about went home from Kagrra Live Concert. I decided to go to bar around that live house when i saw him drunk. I couldn’t me more excited when i saw my idol was only 3 meters from me and... i forgot the detail but at the end of that night, i found myself was also in heavy-drunk, without my clothes, covered by blanket and lied down in some love hotel with Isshi-kun in my side. My feeling was like fireworks, i didn’t know whether i had done something bad or not, but... when once again i stared at him sleeping in my side, i smiled. For about a couple hours i kept staring at him in the dim of that room, couldn’t believe my luck. When he woke up, i told him gently that it was my first and i didn’t regret that i’d done it with him.

I giggled to myself. I remembered that when the first time we were making love, i kept thinking about ‘sarasouju no komoriuta’ because he treated me very gentle at that time.

A few days after that ‘incident’, i hoped nothing. Not even hoped that he would remember my name. Ah... there’s some myth from my hometown, if there was a rain in the midsummer, then it would be also joyful came with the Rain. And... it was raining the midsummer when i came back to my apartment, i found some strange guy sat in front of my door. And it was Isshi-san. He said he would take a full responsibility for what he had done at that night.

Even it was only a incident, still, could you imagine yourself married you idol?

Okay, enough for the day-dream. I was facing the truth that my beloved husband was in serious diseases, and nothing i could do to make him better. Ah, it’d been 15 minutes since i left Isshi, i should get back  to his room.

I walked out from the lift and suddenly a bunch of nurse ran in front of me, and it made my heartbeat stop.

Isshi-kun....?!

I ran to Isshi’s room, and opened the door and he still sat at the same position like 15 minutes ago. Thanks God... and maybe he surprised by my present and he looked at me at curious way.

“what is that?” he asked

“no... i-i just saw nurses run and i... panicked” i said. He laughed smoothly

“i know what you’re thinking about...” now he already back to my gentle and beloved Isshi, not an ashen and sorrowful person 15 minutes ago.

I hugged him gently and let him hear my smooth heartbeat; i could smeel his shampoo mixing with many 

kinds of medicine.

“Isshi-kun, you’re not alone... you know that, don’t you?” i whispered it to him because i didn’t wanna him to become a sorrowful person at the end of this life, and he nodded.

I didn’t remember when the last time he kissed me gently like that but it was interrupted by the door opened and came along with familiar voice

“isshi-kuu~n”

I suddenly stopped kissing and i found Izumi, Shin and Akiya were standing there with a bunch of fruit.

“look what we have, Isshi-kun!” said Akiya and the he shown a watermelon. Isshi-san and I laughed softly

“please, have a seat”

“so... how are you recently? Anything important?” asked Izumi

“what a question! But i’m fine, thanks” Isshi-kun replied “but... i don’t see Naoran? Where’s he?”

“oh... he said he would be late, but i’m pretty sure he would come here soon”

Then everybody was in silence for a while.

“is there anything you do guys? Since kagrra disbanded i mean”

“oh yeah, of course!” said Akiya “i reply every single mail and letter from our fan this whole week” he said again then all of us laughed

“yeah... i also opened youtube and nico-nico and there’s a lot of our fan made a grateful video to us. Man... that is so...” Shin-san lost his word

“precious” said Isshi-kun and everybody nodded

After that they just talked about stuff, and finally about 3 hours later they went home. I was just about to arrange fruits from Izumi when the door knocked. And then Naoran came with a Lily bucket. Oh, if in any case i forgot, i hadn’t mentioned that when the first time Naoran brought the lilies and then a few days later it became withered i planned to take it out. But Isshi-kun forbade me.

I thought... those lilies meant a lot for him.

“ah naoran... Shin-san and the others just went home. Didn’t you meet them?” i asked him

“yes, i met them in parking lot” then he walked to the withered lily and changed it into the fresh one he had brought. I stared at Isshi-kun who just stared at Naoran. a gaze that i got right before he kissed me gently. 

Then i smiled sadly.

“ah.. Isshi-kun, there’s something i want to buy. Could I leave you for a moment?” i asked him

“sure”

I walked out from the room and closed the door. A few step from his room, i lied to the wall because i couldn’t stand it anymore. My tears fell and i cried in silence. While my heart crushed into ash, i was trying so damn hard not to get jealous every time Naoran got that gaze. I knew i was no more than ‘a fake wife’. I just married his body, but not along with his mind, heart, and soul. I was someone who her existence was no more to show that he was straight.

I knew something that maybe Isshi-kun didn’t know whether i knew or not. But yes, i knew. I knew he and 

naoran were dating. His eyes couldn’t lie to me.

☂☂☂

Right a second after the door closed, Isshi stared at naoran again.

“don’t you think you’re too mean to her?” Naoran asked Isshi, but isshi refused to answer that and looked into lilies that Naoran had brought.

“you know... at time like this i keep thinking about kagrra, about us... about Izumi, shinpei, and Akki...” he stopped for a while “and all ridiculous thing we had done”

“sshh...” Naoran turned Isshi’s face into him and deeply stared his eyes

“even we’re not kagrra anymore, we’re still friend, aren’t we?”

“yes, but... have you know idea how much i want to back to that time? Remember when we played Batsu game, and you lost so everyone had to hit you in forehead?” Isshi laughed softly again. Naoran had no idea that soft laughed was because his sickness or his sadness but he missed when Isshi could laugh as loud as he want like before.

“yeah, of course... and when we did outbound with silly costume? Ah... you wore pink costume... what was that?”

“it was a pig costume, Isshi...” and Naoran took his hand to Isshi’s cheek “it’s gonna be alright” he said like that even himself wasn’t really sure

“shiroi uso, huh?” he asked. Isshi never imagine himself could be in position of the lyric he had made. Neither did naoran.

“hey.... do you wanna hear the song i’d made?” asked Isshi, and he grabbed his accoustic guitar.

“sure”. Naoran remember the 1st time isshi learnt how to play guitar. And he performed at stage and... he also remembered that isshi ever performed ‘kaze ni naritai’ which naoran liked it so much.

Isshi started picking his guitar and began his Intro “hanasainaide ite ne... mimimoto de sasayaita”

“anata no tameiki ga kubisuji wo nameru you ni shitataru no”

Nao’s mind flew into night when the first time he knew that Isshi’s sickness getting worse, it was a few years ago.. He whispered him not to leave him alone. and then he breath smoothly in Isshi’s neck. Naoran could feel his throat was so dry and he tried so hard not to cry.

“madobe ni okezari no hadairo no karekuchita higanbana”

“kono te ni fureta nara hikarabita”

“watashi no kokoro no you ni...”

“ima, oto mo nai mama”

Now naoran really couldn’t stop his tears. He lied down to isshi’s shoulder while the black haired guy  was still singing. Naoran silently cried. As Isshi singing, he screamed in his heart.

“natsukashiku hibiku koe, mune ni kodamasu himei ga”

“toki wo sakanoboru kioku. Sotto owari ni mukatte”

“tatoeba ibitsu na rakuen he...”

“ssh... i’ve told you that everything would be okay, right?”

Again, isshi didn’t answer that. a few time he lost his word a few week recently. In his end of life, he slowly felt losing his ground

“i... i don’t know Nao-kun... i don’t know how long i could be with you”

Those light memories wrapped both of them in the middle of warm summer air. A lot of time Naoran thought about it and searched for the answer. At that time like the he wasn’t really sure could he believe at lyrics that isshi had written. Surely he felt Isshi’s hand in his. He ever said he was so happy. He ever said he was so lucky.

While he was staring at Isshi’s eyes smoothly he said: “we’ll meet again, Isshi-kun”

And both of them laugh softly. Then Isshi sang: “mata aeru to itta sono yasashi hohoemi da, mata aeru yo to....” his lyrics were blurred by his dry throat, and again, he couldn’t hide his tears, so Nao continued his song

“masshiro na uso wo tsubu yaku”

☂☂☂

Back again to the time that he couldn’t remember when. About five or six summers ago, he guessed.

“so, for you guys, what’s the meaning of death?” asked a reporter to them, even when she said like that, she made her gaze to naoran who without a prepared answer the question randomly.

“etto... death, huh?” he asked back to the reporter to take a longer time to think

“yes, yes”

“ehm... Death is...” he replied nervously “taisetsuna terebi desu(a precious tv)”

And after that all member of kagrra laughed, even Izumi couldn’t stop hitting the chair

“what the hell are you talking about?” asked Akiya, couldn’t hang himself not to bully naoran

“ne... baka desuka? Aho desuka?” asked Shinpei in the middle his laugh

“oh yeah, guys, try yourself! Can you give better answer?” asked naoran while he was pouting

“okay, Shin-san. What do you think about death?”

“ah, it’s kinda... otsukaresama deshita!” replied Shin, and it was nao’s turn to laugh at him

“what was thaat?!!”

“yeah, it is! You have to be grateful to people that you have left. So it is an ‘otsukaresama deshita’!”

“oh... what a beautiful thought! What about you, Akiya-san?’

“ah... it’s definitely an end, right?”

“hum... a simple answer huh?”

“yes, i can’t think anything except an end if we talk about death”

“and Izumi-san, as a leader what do you think about death?”

“i think it’s a happiness. Maybe other people would think it is sadness, but i wouldn’t”

“oh, i see. And the last one, Isshi-san?”

“uhm... for me death is a beginning of eternity”

“Beginning of eternity?”

“yeah... i believe in reincarnation, so one death only mean another way to live”

“oh... i see”

When the interview was over, Naoran was the first person came to Isshi

“hey, about your words before....” he asked the vocalist

“huh? Which one?”

“about you know... death. If you will reincarnation, what will you want to be?”

“er... i don’t know. I mean, i haven’t thought that far” he replied “uhm... what about you? What do you want to be?”

“i don’t know. It’s depend on yours”

“heh?” Isshi didn’t get his mean but naoran had left him

☂☂☂

Naoran stared at the pale and stiff body in front of him, all the sound suddenly disappeared from him. For a second he felt live in eternity.

‘i can’t believe it’s really happen’  he thought in his mind. Compared with other people i the room, he was the calmest person, not even Yoshino-san, his wife. Naoran had more prepare for this time more than other people.

‘i’m not even in his side when he die...’  naoran kept telling himself until Akiya shaked his shoulder

“nao-kun...” Akiya seemed as shocked as the others. Nao hugged him but didn’t give him any words, how could he speak to others while he felt like he even didn’t know what should he said. He looked intto other members and all of them was in deep cry caused by this reality.

Their beloved vocalist was dead...

Naoran stared Isshi for the last time, he put the entire feeling he had into that face. Let them burried along with his body. For the last time he momorized all the memories they had,  rewind  the time as he hoped. In his mind echoing the song that he was so missed.

Isshi had told him a hundred time that this time would come, and nothing he –they- could do about this. 

Naoran walked away from that room and saw white lilies on vas in the corner. again all he could think when he saw that lilies was Isshi. Although he had built his mind so he wouldn’t cry anymore but all of sudden he wanted to cry.

Once again he whispered in his cry, “we’ll meet Again, Isshi-kun”

From those endless pain he wanted to run away and go to that strange paradise with the one he loved.

Aarrrgh, dammit!

I really want a good ending for this fic, but somehow idk how to express those feeling. =,=’
well anywayy... i finally neild this fic. I mean i finally finish this fic idk if somehow the ending is not really work but i just wanna ppl(or at least myself) know that i miss kagrra and Isshi sooo much. And heck, i’m pretty sure i’ll make this foc better before i really satisfied with the result.

T^T)oo

THERE ARE TOO MUCH ‘IDK’ IN THIS NOTE!!!

At the first, this fic was named “Manatsu no Yo no Yume ni Ano Shirakuen (A Paradise of Death in That Dream of Midsummer World)”, but because i really almost just re-write Shiroi Uso and Shirakuen, i changed it into “white lie in that Paradise of Death”

please forgive me for my crappy english...
T/\T