how does it feel to have depression?

So how does it feel to have depression?

Well to be honest, I wasn’t pretty sure myself that I have a depression at first, I mean. We all have those feeling, right?

We feel ugly from time to time.
We feel shitty sometimes.
We feel sad, because we’re all human.

So why should it be different?

Because I know there’s no ‘time to time’ or ‘sometimes’ for me. I can’t stop feeling like that. Even in my brightest moment I feel something’s off, something’s burdened me. I cry night rows or even I cry out of the blue.

To always have those constant whispers “you know you don’t deserve to be happy”  and “oh well you know this is going to happen because you’re not good enough”

And when something bad happens –y’know, the papers, the projects, my college life, my oh-so-relationship, my family– I always look for my fault. I don’t want to, but it’s just automatically happen.

Because I’m not good enough, because I’m not smart enough, because my dad abandoned me, because I’m shitty ugly ass pessimistic possessive fucked ups bicth.

So it happens.

It really happens to me, I swear to God all those movies-like things that you have a bad person narration inside your head or a bad imaginary twin that always say shitty stuff about whatever you do really happen to me.

I can’t stop blame myself for every question I try to answer.

Just like when some of my friends canceled our plan to go out, I would automatically feel guilty for them because something I’d done had pissed them off, or because they’re ashamed of me.

And I never wanna be this full of suspicion-nagging bitch, people are tired of getting suspected, nobody –NOBODY – likes being accused for whatever things they don’t do. People are just tired of “why do you do this? It hurts me a lot, but I get it. I deserve it” I’m sick of being so fucking fragile and brittle bitter all the time. Like even a single glance could turn me into ashes. I’m tired of being so cry-baby sobbing like it’s somebody’s funeral all the fucking time. For doubting everything people say to you even the nice thing. Think that they just say what you wanna hear, think that they just try to comfort you with lies even when I don’t know which is 
lie and which is truth.

I wish I just being drama queen, or exaggerated this thing, or making my little sadness as a big deal but I’m not. And I don’t wanna be like this. I wanna be happy. I don’t wanna be cynical and pessimistic and gloomy person.

But I don’t know how.

I’ve tried everything, like EVERYTHING.

I’ve tried to talk to my close ones and nothing works. Some of said that “be grateful for what you have, because someone have it worse” but saying I shouldn’t be sad for having problem is like saying “you shouldn’t be happy because someone is having it better” and seeing other people have it worse literally doesn’t solve any of my problem.

And to be honest I’m afraid of seeing psychology or therapist. I’m such a coward and scared that eventually all my flaw would be pointed out a finger to me by a stranger and what if the answer, the real answers I’ve been looking for are in front of my eyes?

I walk, I read, I talk to my friends, I open up myself, I pray to God and nothing works. Nothing actually cures it. Some of them are a good pain-killers but nothing actually wash away my over-anxiety. I could laugh at some point, and then cry the next hour think about how bothersome I am.

I’m always scared no matter what you say, no matter what you do for me not to be.

I’m always scared that you might leave and get tired of how I’m always scared about everything.

and I'm sorry for being like this.